Interview Preppie Gifts

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

Do you have any other skills?

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"Allow me to respond to your question with a question of my own that I can answer."

'Don't be nervous, relax...he puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like you do. Of course, his pants are tailor made and cost $600 a pair...'

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

Help wanted. Various positions available.

'You're on the shortlist. It's between you and the bloke who's going to get the job.'

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

"I'm long term unemployed because jerks like you won't hire me!"

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

'How many words per minute do you type?'

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

'It's a difficult position to fill. Someone who's smarter than me - and smart enough to pretend not to know it.'

'He will observe your text now...'

"Maybe this isn't the right heartless monolithic corporation for you."

"Again, you may exercise your right to remain silent, but it's going to work against you since this is a job interview."

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"You have a killer resume, Phil, but unfortunately, we have all the dead wood we need right now."

'You don't want the job, do you?'

"And where do you see your mustache in five years?"