Interview Preppie Gifts

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

Do you have any other skills?

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

'Don't be nervous, relax...he puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like you do. Of course, his pants are tailor made and cost $600 a pair...'

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"Allow me to respond to your question with a question of my own that I can answer."

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

Help wanted. Various positions available.

'You're on the shortlist. It's between you and the bloke who's going to get the job.'

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

"I'm long term unemployed because jerks like you won't hire me!"

'It's a difficult position to fill. Someone who's smarter than me - and smart enough to pretend not to know it.'

'How many words per minute do you type?'

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

"Maybe this isn't the right heartless monolithic corporation for you."

'He will observe your text now...'

"You have a killer resume, Phil, but unfortunately, we have all the dead wood we need right now."

'You don't want the job, do you?'

"And where do you see your mustache in five years?"

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'