Insurance Schemer Gifts

'I thought about burning the palace down for the insurance, but I couldn't afford the petrol.'

"Marshall, somewhere out there, just waiting for us, is a loophole in the system."

'No, you can't use your last wish, to wish for another three wishes!'

"Well, I finally figured out why we were going to the vet so often for check ups! He finally plucked up the courage to ask her out!"

'You're closer to the Big Guy than anyone. Will you help us kill him?'

"An Iraq attack is one thing, but I'm not sure about a Persian incursion."

“Son, that… ‘some this will all be yours’… is now!”

'Here's the game plan going forward. We acknowledge any and all 'mistakes,' then fake fixing them.'

"If anyone should ask, I was in my doggy bed from 7 p.m. to midnight. Understand?"

"I've made myself a success through a combination of long-term planning and short term tantrums."

"Do you call this a business plan?"

"I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 AM, minion." "I try not to wonder." "After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7." "We're in the suburbs. Everyone's asleep." "Not true. By being closed at 3 AM, we're missing out on the potentially-lucrative Igor the Wino clientele." "Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon." "Very bad man."

"My assistant is more of a behind-the-scenes kind of guy."

'Things look much better long-term, once we pass the statute of limitations.'

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

And here is where we stooped to the level of the competition.

"It's a setup."

'We're seeking a safe tax haven for our investments.'

'Damn, I just love this new problem solving tool!'

'We've decided to foreclose on Paraguay, Ferguson -- Get down there and take the place over.'

'I agree that the publicity would be good for your blog, but how are you going to get a Kardashian to date you?'

"Look, let's just say I haven't seen anything, Charlie hasn't heard anything, and Tom hasn't said anything."

"So you want to hide it from other squirrels by presented to deposit it in savings, then taking it back and putting it in a secret account?"

"We're fighting them in zone A, they're our allies in zone B, and we don't know what to do in zone C."

'Oh, that's Dan, the congressman's right AND left hand man'

"Just take the free kick, and stop wasting time."

'Danae...you seem to spend twice the time and energy in avoiding your schoolwork than it would take to actually do the work...How far do you expect that'll get you in life?'

'While Dewey distracts the defense, the quarterback simply jogs into the end zone untouched.'

"Boss, there's a rumor going around that someone lost a $1,000 bill in the cafe. There are like 200 people out there." "Interesting. And I assume they're all looking for the $1,000 bill. I assume they don't want anyone else to know about it before they find it." "I assume each of them is buying our food and drink so the others won't suspect they're here with ulterior motives." "I wonder who could have possibly spread such a rumor in the first place?" "Very bad man."

"We love your results. We're just a weeny bit concerned about your methods."

Valentine Comix

'I'm getting ready for mating season.'

"So, are we singing from the same hymnbook?"

'Business is slow. Go and throw a few banana skins on the pavement.'

Boy standing on 'The Joy of Sex' book.