Insurance Professional Gifts

"If you look carefully you'll see that all claims are invalid except on alternate Tuesdays in June and when Venus is in alignment with Mars."

Insurance was invented about an hour after the wheel.

Disaster Waiting to Happen Room.

"Actually, this is the one condition your insurance does cover."

'All those in favour of dropping 'limited liability' for 'no liability'.'

"Hey, little fella. Welcome to the risk pool."

"Well, done, Kimble - this is a credit to mumbo and jumbo."

"We've gotta move on, I can't digest this stuff!"

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

Projecting healthcare costs using fortune teller.

ACME INSURANCE COMPANY, 'Of course, the death benefits don't apply if it's the Government that kills you.'

'I'd like to buy extinction insurance.'

"That's all we get around here: Gimme, gimme, gimme."

The insurance giants do battle, ironically costing their own companies billions of dollars in claims,

'No, no, no. Our insurance pays you when a tragedy happens, Mr. Soprano.'

"So many acquisitions lately ... should we be worried?"

World of Insurance

Why actuarial humor is hard to cartoon...

'And for insurance purposes...is this a pre-existing condition?'

Insurance Company representative with rabbi to lawyer and client: 'I brought hiim along to assure you we would negotiate in good faith.'

'Wilt thou love her, cherish her, and put her on your affordable health plan?'

'I'm sorry, but your insurance company considers your nonexistence to be a preexisting condition.'

"Where is he? I want a word with my guardian angel."

"Will this policy cover acts of wolf?"

Health Care Reform Is Soylent Green!

'So he eats the odd secretary. He is one hell of an actuary and I intend to make him a partner!'

"Yes, sorry your accident record doesn't look good."

Where HMO's are headed

"This will be the last program of Dr. Frank, MD due to the rising cost of malpractice insurance."

"I may have to cancel your policy, Mr. Dumpty."

Healthy Patients Only

"Flo, this is roger, an insurance man with a credibility rating of 32. Roger, Flo is a journalist, with a rating of 74."

'Full liability insurance coverage guaranteed.'

'Okay, but don't try to operate it until I invent insurance.'

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'