Inheritance Jokester Gifts

'...and to my wife who always nagged me to 'Put something aside for a rainy day'...'

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

I'm taking you off trying to stay young.

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

Human Sex Chromosomes: Female/Male/Male Who Leaves Fly Open.

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

"Get me away from this crazy person..."

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

MUM! I'll take the dog for a walk!

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

"There's no money in your uncle's will. You are, however, directed to maintain his 5 cats and Facebook account."

"Young man! You turn the gravity back on this instant!!"

'For no particular reason I want to know the location of our fire extinguisher.'

'You want to hear me speaking my first word? I don't say anything without my lawyer, mister!'

Tree's Tree Nursery. Get this. Dad is selling those goofy upside-down tomato planters. What idiot would buy them? Thanks! I'll let you know how it works! My idiotic bio teacher.

'She said her first words today.'

"Sure, my dad and my granddad and my granddad's dad were all domesticated. But that doesn't mean I have to be."

'But, Mom - I am watering the garden just like you told me!'

'He has his father's feet.'

Mom $50 Pop $35

"Oh, it's always something now he wants to become a vegetarian."

"Damn it, agree to whatever she demands. No matter what it takes, I want my mommy."

Son to Father, "So dad, tell me, have you ever larged it!"

"Nice try Kevin, but you've put all your laundry into the dishwasher!"

Solicitor tells cats: 'It's unorthodox, I know, but old Mrs Featherstone has left her entire estate to her immediate family.'

"For my will I decided to cut out the middle man and bequeath all my money to the IRS."

"Mom said I can't watch TV until you finish my homework."