Inheritance Humorists Gifts

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"Okay, you scared the babysitter...now get back in there and rinse off that toothpaste, and go to bed!"

'I have a limited vocabulary because I'm a child, what's your excuse?'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

'Another balloon animal? And who do you think ends up taking care of these?'

"No thanks, mom. I don't think I'll have any broccoli short cake."

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

"Why do small children ask so many questions?" "Why not? We need to learn, don’t we? Anyway it’s no big deal is it? Isn’t that what parents are for? You were probably the same, weren’t you? So why complain?"

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"I can skip my bath. On the way home I jumped in all the puddles."

"Every time I tie my shoes, the laces come undone...I think it's a conspiracy!"

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"Tell Mr. Yeltsin I'd be delighted. Minister of what?"

'Is that IT? All this way for just the ONE?'

"He's the one family member who doesn't care if I post hundreds of photos of him online."