Ingredient Analysts Gifts

'This snack is vegan. It's 100% artificial ingredients.'

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

All Natural Nothing

Honest Vending

"They’re real."

"Do you remember when we used to put FOOD in food?"

Flour, sugar, earth, air, fire, water.

The Inexperienced Cook

'Diet considerations.'

'I never knew baking was such a violent activity. You have to beat the eggs, whip the cream, and mash the nuts.'

"How would you like your soy protein, mixed tocopherols and methylcellulose patty?"

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

"We didn't have any whipped cream, so I used foaming hand soap."

Rat Hair: Peanut Butter Ingredient.

'Just between you and me, Mrs Frobish, how'd you like the lowdown on what's really in knockwurst?'

Secret Family Recipes

Joe's Bar and Grill and Focus Group.

'It's gluten-free or free range or something. Enjoy.'

Processed foods, unprocessed foods.

'Now with 30% less crap you can't even pronounce!'

Monsanto - "Bad news, the tomato gene has jumped species"

"No, we don't sell gluten-free gluten."

"People are always whining about food labelling, but there's NOTHING that ANYONE with a reasonable chemistry degree and maybe a PhD in pharmacology wouldn't with a little effort, be able to understand....At least a little."

Sugar-coated riboflavin yellow #5 fructose surbosic-carboblutonic flakes.

"The manna tastes okay, but I'd feel better if I had a list of ingredients."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

Why Chemists shouldn't take their work home "I can't believe it's not b-b-vegetable mono & dyglycerides!"

'Firstly whip your eggs....and everything else.'

'We let 65 people try the '03 Malbec and told them they couldn't just describe it as 'good'. The result: 65 said it was 'very good'.'

Witch making a brew with Gluten, Nuts, Trans Fats, BGH, GMOs...