Infomercial Aficionado Gifts

"Nobody has ever gone broke underestimating American attention spans."

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

'We want everyone to remember our name.'

Other girl's luxuries are my necessities.

Create some buzz!

'If only every year was an election year.'

Creative department

'Let me see your portfolio of stolen ideas.'

"Technically he's a zombie but we'll market him as a hybrid."

'Which sounds better: 'now with MORE XZ100' or 'now with LESS XZ100'?'

Important Food Groups

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

'He's written some great slogans and some great labels, but he's never written a great coupon.'

"Where have you been? This content's not going to create itself."

The bad news is our boxer shorts are still bursting into flames. The good news is our brand recognition is through the roof

"How's this for transparency: Our product isn't organic but our bullshit advertising it!"

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

"Hire me and I'll bring in orders. Big orders. You're gonna need a bigger door."

"We need to sue, claiming free speech is being violated by remotes with fast forward buttons."

"Well, after ad school, our Timothy made a 6-second Ad that nobody saw."

"I got an 'A' - and all my research was from infomercials."

'It's creative as hell! Now that you've got that out of your system, give me a campaign that will sell.'

Berries, Roots, Tubers, Stems, Leaves.

Roads with a view.

"I'm used to falling asleep with the TV on. Read me an infomercial."

"Did you ask the client about product placement?"

"We're looking for the kind of bad taste that will grab - but not appall."

Honesty in retail

'You're in luck - we do have a temporary position in advertising'.

They get into debt so fast these days...

"The problem is that our ads have either been too Jewish or not Jewish enough."