Infernal Interior Decorator Pillows

"Hellfire or brimstone - which one's it gonna be? I can't hold these all day."

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

'We had the baby's ultrasound photo made into wallpaper.'

"This is going to make the most amazing driftwood table."

Use your imagination.

"Careful with that - the wife made it at pottery class."

"You're welcome."

'Come on, you can help me to choose some lovely wallpaper.'

"Ikea for hippies" 1. Flimsig used pallets, old foam 2. Stinkum goat wool 3. Beetup recycled lumber 4. Riskig kerosene lamp 5. Stupor hand blown by Nils 6. Smokum found on beach in Mendocino 7. Woblig 100% driftwood

"We're looking for something for our panic room."

"Too bright."

'I had no idea Ikea had been around so long.'

"Could we be getting a little too museum-quality?"

'We want it painted the colour of money!'

New Coat of Paint at the Sistine Condos

'Gerald was stripping some old wallpaper, and there it was - Leonard Da Vinci's lost fresco ‘The Battle of Anghiari'.'

Books / Coffee table books

"You love anything tacky, don't you?"

Unknowingly, with one swish of his blood soaked mammoth tail he was inflicting pain and suffering on billions of unborn people. Home decorating had been invented.

'Don't worry, the first 30 years of being a painter are the hardest.'

An assortment of vegetables in the form of Tables

"Yes, but I'll know it's a recliner."

'It's my main decorating motif.'

'All it needs is a ceiling fan.'

"The next time we redecorate, how about if I choose the art?"

'I found out how to redecorate the easy way - just call the old wallpaper names and it will come down to slap you!'

Over 50 shades of grey available.

'Ooh, hey...real hardwood floors!'

Den Furniture

'Well Miss Hayward, your suggestion of trying Feng Shui didn't work.'

"We're looking for something more over-the-couch-ish."

"I'll never understand wallpaper."

'For heaven's sake Janet - where have you disappeared to now?'

Lemon centerpieces: $50 each