Infant Stage Gifts

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: This is solids?

A midwife holding a baby

'The child is very illogical'

We tried rocking her to sleep, but she still seems tired and cranky.

'Shhh... It's babies app time.'

Doughboy Dad

'After years of practicing in empty theaters, Horace's dream of becoming a soft-shoe dancer seemed as remote as ever.'

"They look so young and helpless."

"Give her some space! She's overdosing on baby talk!"

Help me!

Midlife: You Are Here.

"So much for 'sleeping like a baby.'"

"If we're lucky, she'll get a single wear out of this."

Who's a cutey?

Caution. Slippery when wet.

"She does this when she's tired."

'If you're happy to demand feed we'll get along just fine.'

Quiet Time

'He's into Proust as only a child can be.'

Maternity Ward: No Returns/No Exchanges

'Excuse me mom, I've got to take a call.'

"She's cute all right. But, whoa, what a narcissist!"

"Hush, little baby, don’t you cry ... ever."

"True, you're a butterfly now, but you still think like a caterpillar."

Hey, anyone? I'd like some attention. Waaaaa!! You okay, baby? Now I see how this works.

"I feel like a newborn. No hair, no teeth, no bladder control."

Baby Teething Problems.

'One small tooth for me...one giant worry for you.'

Actors' dispute.

Seven males, ranging in age from a baby to an old man, wait in a line monitored by a uniformed guard.

I wish my baby came with suction cups so there was a place to put him while I shower.

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Don't let the Weetabix dry.'

A man playing with a baby

"Baldo! Pick him up!"

"They grow so fast. He can already scan a bar code."