Imposter Syndrome Warrior Pillows

"A breakthrough, but not a major breakthrough."

The Cougher

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."

Flu Vaccine.

"Squeeze a monkey! They've only gone and taken all the blanket again!"

Doctor's house visit "What's made him worse since I phoned Doctor was worrying about the cost of a house call"

'Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants.'

Medicine.

'Sweetheart, It's time you knew... Your father isn't a real wildlife biologist.'

"These feelings of inadequacy are common among the inadequate."

Fake it.

The Artificial Intelligentsia

'It has had phenomenal growth and, for those involved, an atmosphere crawling with excitement. Congratulations, Hawkins, for heading our Bed Bug division.'

"You feel like a fake? Man, I wrote the book on faking it. Not really, but that's what I tell everyone."

"Sometimes I worry I'm a wolf dressed as me."

Fighting With Yourself

'Pasta imposter' "Oi! You're not vermicelli, you're cheese string..bugger off!!"

Woman throwing away smoking accessories

Germ warfare.

'I just can't figure it out.'

"I flunked out my last semester."

'What makes you think that my ailment is imaginary?'

Insulate Britain Fundamentalists

"I'm maybe not the real Santa, but I'm the only Santa who would do it for the money your dad was willing to pay for the job!"

Woman stands on scales which have two categories: Too Skinny / Too Fat.

Cull people who like plastic plants.

"Am I supposed to be breaking in my skates or my feet?"

'I got one for each of us, It magnifies the food and tricks your brain into thinking you're full!'

"And do you feel that you are a pretender?"

Motorist in long queue at petrol station walks over cars to pumps.

'Stay with your diet, take all your pills, and buy a new dress.'

Sexaholics Anonymous

'Does the wet snow make my butt look too big?'

Flu #1.

'I hate you seeing me like this. The crystal ball adds, like, ten pounds.'