Imminent Birth Gifts

"Another set back for the manufacturing sector. There's no way I'll make this delivery date."

'We had the baby's ultrasound photo made into wallpaper.'

TAP TAP TAP TAP

No kicking: 12-6 Mon-Sun

"Congratulations. It's a chick."

'Boy, if you'd just stop roaming around, it would be easier to find you...'

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

The obstetrician doesn't need a close catcher...

So … you do a lot of yoga?

"If I turn it up I might get out of here quicker!"

'Congratulations Mr. Dumley, you have a lovely little thing...'

"Hurray! I just got born!"

"So! When's the big day?"

Bouncing baby

'Mom is feeling sick. She caught a baby.'

The inventor of the Slip 'n Slide becomes a father.

"Mum, we had sex-education at school today: is that really what happened to Daddy?!"

'This is boring. This uterus could sure do with a fast forward button.'

"Six down, three to go!!"

Pregnant couple: I'm so glad I'm a woman/I'm so glad I'm a man.

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

"I'm not his mom anymore—now I'm his life coach."

"It gets easier the second time."

"Keep pushing, I can see the head!"

What The Father Heres.

'I eventually want one to go with every outfit.'

"Might as well try and acclimate them when they're young."

Lockdown Babies

'I already have four girls. I picked out the names for this one. If I give birth to a girl...Jennifer. If it's a boy...hooray!'

I wish my baby came with suction cups so there was a place to put him while I shower.

'Any idea why your boyfriend is handing out cigars in the pub?'

'I've never seen mum change these when they get empty.'

"Heavens, what have I done?!"

'My labor was a breeze! Nine minutes and out he came!'

'The tests show it's a boy.. we can't tell whether he'll vote Republican or not.'