Impending Fatherhood Gifts

'Any idea why your boyfriend is handing out cigars in the pub?'

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"This is a great spot to practice mighty roars son..."

Batman at the Maternity Ward

"Great! I must be growing. The womb was less than half full last week."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

"No wonder babies are born screaming. I haven't had a wink of sleep since the exit light came on!"

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

"Remember now, anything is DIY-abe if you just do it yourself."

'What has twelve legs and barks?'

L'il Buckaroo on Board.

'I know one of my shoulders is lower than the other. It's because my father's guiding hand is always on that shoulder.'

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

"That's mine!"

Growth Charts

"I don't know...sometimes I think I don't spend enough time with them. What kind of role model am I?"

'With these alternative fertility treatments you never quite know how things turn out,'

"You go out first. Signal me if it's safe!!"

'Do you have any books on controlling little monsters?'

'It's only 6 AM, but I want to send the kids to Wally's house before his mother sends him over here.'

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

My daddy ate my homework

'You've got the Vietnam 1000 yard stare. All new parents get it!'

"Please doctor, hit him again. I need to get that ring-tone."

"Skip the funny voices tonight—O.K., Dad?"

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

Roger Buffle Jr. supplies his father with yet another computer password.

"If I turn it up I might get out of here quicker!"

'I want to give my children all the things I never had. Then move in with them.'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

'Here comes the Papa-razzi again...'

"Your princess voice is kind of patronizing."

"Car accident? No, I volunteered to hold the rope for the pinata at my son's birthday party!"