Hypocrisy Analyst Pillows

"... and then she had the nerve to play the ‘you keep cheating on me’ card."

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"I was going to tell you it's a jungle out there, but I realize that's probably old news to you."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

Department of Who's Your Daddy?

"That was Brad with the Democratic weather. Now here's Tammy with the Republican weather."

An election candidate giving contradicting promises.

"Sorry, I don't have an opinion - just in case I get vilified on social media. . ."

"Ted's been down in the dumps since they started giving greed a bad name."

Europe

"Psst! If you have any stock tips to pass on, I can probably lighten your sentence for insider trading."

'I'm not a guru. I just came up here until the ebola scare goes away.'

'This firm is committed to diversity -- I have yes-men, si-men, ja-men, oui-men, da-men, hai-men....'

'So, Bob, we've decided to do some rebranding!'

"I know you're angry at me - I'm angry at me, too!"

"Personally, I never take anything but aspirin."

'I was not prepared for this!'

'I was expelled from school for a hate crime -- I told a little moron joke!'

'Every friend is a potential security breach.'

'Formerly, 'Regular' and 'Extra-Strength'.'

Book about the real meaning of Christmas is on sale.

"Devin agrees with the president. Americans are dreamers too."

Slug pellets used by animal campaigner

'I know this is unfair, Rossetti, but that's what makes it fun.'

At last, Paul Burrell finds his diary.

Employee Assistance Program: Now treating; whistleblower's fear of retaliation.

"I'm totally in favor of monogamy. For everyone else."

"Someday, Ed, we're going to look back on all this and litigate."

Taxicab security.

Not to do list - Vote.

'Tighten Your Belts.'

"We'll his hands aren't touching his face."