Hypocrisy Analyst Pillows

"... and then she had the nerve to play the ‘you keep cheating on me’ card."

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"I was going to tell you it's a jungle out there, but I realize that's probably old news to you."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

The Secret Sauce of American Exceptionalism

Department of Who's Your Daddy?

"That was Brad with the Democratic weather. Now here's Tammy with the Republican weather."

An election candidate giving contradicting promises.

"Sorry, I don't have an opinion - just in case I get vilified on social media. . ."

"Ted's been down in the dumps since they started giving greed a bad name."

Europe

"Psst! If you have any stock tips to pass on, I can probably lighten your sentence for insider trading."

'I'm not a guru. I just came up here until the ebola scare goes away.'

'This firm is committed to diversity -- I have yes-men, si-men, ja-men, oui-men, da-men, hai-men....'

'So, Bob, we've decided to do some rebranding!'

"I know you're angry at me - I'm angry at me, too!"

"Personally, I never take anything but aspirin."

'I was expelled from school for a hate crime -- I told a little moron joke!'

'Every friend is a potential security breach.'

'I was not prepared for this!'

'Formerly, 'Regular' and 'Extra-Strength'.'

"Devin agrees with the president. Americans are dreamers too."

Book about the real meaning of Christmas is on sale.

Slug pellets used by animal campaigner

Employee Assistance Program: Now treating; whistleblower's fear of retaliation.

"I've had sex with Donald Trump."

"They discovered I liked a JK Rowling tweet when I was fifteen, you?"

"I'm totally in favor of monogamy. For everyone else."

At last, Paul Burrell finds his diary.

'I know this is unfair, Rossetti, but that's what makes it fun.'

"Someday, Ed, we're going to look back on all this and litigate."

Taxicab security.

Not to do list - Vote.

'Tighten Your Belts.'