Hypochondriac Hotline Pillows

'Don't believe everything you read on the net.'

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

"Are you sure you're not holding your breath?"

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

'I know just how you feel.'

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

'Good to see you, Doc! I wonder if you could take a look at my left upper arm that hurts when I do this?'

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and it said I might get old!"

Stay away from Pigs.

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

"I looked up your rash online. Have you recently been to one of the moons of Saturn? Or, it could just be poison ivy."

'I don't feel that bad.'

Bob had many issues, but he didn't need a doctor. He needed a vet.

"You're in excellent health...until we can prove otherwise."

How to Keep the Doctors Guessing

'The tests came back positive. There's not doubt about it. You're a flake!'

"Well -- You're over 30 so you probably just slept on it wrong."

'Well, Doctor, what do I have and is it contagious?'

'The tests indicate your worries are groundless and your complaints moronic.'

"Just answer one question, Doctor - is it contagious?"

"With the number of symptoms you describe...our only hope is to remove your 'Home Health Encyclopedia'."

Survivors of Near-Flu Experiences

'Good thing you came in. Most men just ignore the warning signs.'

"Call a doctor, Mike..."

'My nose smells.'

'Please let me go home. . . I feel completely healthy.'

"Are you allergic to anything? I mean, aside from whatever it was that bit you?"

"I looked up my symptoms on the internet and found out that I'm DEAD and it's YOUR FAULT!"

'Mind you, that's the worst-case scenario.'