Hypochondriacs Unite Pillows

"I looked up your rash online. Have you recently been to one of the moons of Saturn? Or, it could just be poison ivy."

Providing Healthcare For All

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

"Are you sure you're not holding your breath?"

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

"I think I'm coming down with something."

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

Stay away from Pigs.

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

'We're out of sugar pills, so I'm giving you some M&M's.'

'There's nothing wrong with you that a couple placebos won't cure.'

Bob had many issues, but he didn't need a doctor. He needed a vet.

"In my expert medical opinion, you are suffering from hypochondria."

Type A Flu.

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

How to Keep the Doctors Guessing

'The tests came back positive. There's not doubt about it. You're a flake!'

'Well, you are one lucky hypochondriac. There's a generic placebo for your condition.'

'It's only hypochondria, but it's a very virulent FORM of it.'

"You're in excellent health...until we can prove otherwise."

'Nothing too serious, I think, but better safe than sorry.' 'PLAGUE!! PLAGUE!!'

"Hypochondriac's Handbook. Where was I?"

'Well, Doctor, what do I have and is it contagious?'

"I've no idea where they are - maybe they're all ill."

"Uh-oh. . . Paper-cut!"

"Just as I thought Brian... Cybercondria."

"I think I've got analysis paralysis."

"Just answer one question, Doctor - is it contagious?"

Aren't you a hypochondriac? What was that, loser? I feel warm. You're not going to trick me into thinking I have Ebola. 21 days ago, I may have ordered a pizza. The delivery boy had what might've been a Texas accent. A hospital in Texas was treating an Ebola patient. NOT FALLING FOR IT!! Everyone knows Ebola can only be transmitted through bodily fluids! The delivery boy was sweating. Sweat evaporates, right? Then it's in the air. Cough. Well-played, nemesis.

'Don't believe everything you read on the net.'

"With the number of symptoms you describe...our only hope is to remove your 'Home Health Encyclopedia'."