Hypochondriac Hotline Gifts

'Don't believe everything you read on the net.'

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

"Are you sure you're not holding your breath?"

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

'I know just how you feel.'

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and it said I might get old!"

Stay away from Pigs.

'Good to see you, Doc! I wonder if you could take a look at my left upper arm that hurts when I do this?'

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

"I looked up your rash online. Have you recently been to one of the moons of Saturn? Or, it could just be poison ivy."

'We're out of sugar pills, so I'm giving you some M&M's.'

'I don't feel that bad.'

Bob had many issues, but he didn't need a doctor. He needed a vet.

"You're in excellent health...until we can prove otherwise."

'The tests came back positive. There's not doubt about it. You're a flake!'

How to Keep the Doctors Guessing

"Well -- You're over 30 so you probably just slept on it wrong."

'It's a new syndrome we're seeing more of... 'Google-itis'.'

Aren't you a hypochondriac? What was that, loser? I feel warm. You're not going to trick me into thinking I have Ebola. 21 days ago, I may have ordered a pizza. The delivery boy had what might've been a Texas accent. A hospital in Texas was treating an Ebola patient. NOT FALLING FOR IT!! Everyone knows Ebola can only be transmitted through bodily fluids! The delivery boy was sweating. Sweat evaporates, right? Then it's in the air. Cough. Well-played, nemesis.

'The tests indicate your worries are groundless and your complaints moronic.'

'Well, Doctor, what do I have and is it contagious?'

"Just answer one question, Doctor - is it contagious?"

"With the number of symptoms you describe...our only hope is to remove your 'Home Health Encyclopedia'."

Survivors of Near-Flu Experiences

'Good thing you came in. Most men just ignore the warning signs.'

Lay Off the Blackberry!

I didn't want to come in, but I've spent thousands of hours online diagnosing my neck pain and it jut keeps getting worse.

'Please let me go home. . . I feel completely healthy.'

"Call a doctor, Mike..."

'My nose smells.'

"Are you allergic to anything? I mean, aside from whatever it was that bit you?"

"I looked up my symptoms on the internet and found out that I'm DEAD and it's YOUR FAULT!"