Cyber Hypochondriac Gifts

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

"Are you sure you're not holding your breath?"

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"I think I'm coming down with something."

Hypochondria Hospital

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

"Hypochondriac's handbook. A little passion project I'm working on;, or, rather, I would be working on."

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

'I know just how you feel.'

'No, you haven't missed much. Pretty well everyone called in sick.'

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and it said I might get old!"

'The good news is it's not bird flu.'

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

'While I'm here, Doctor . . .'

'Good to see you, Doc! I wonder if you could take a look at my left upper arm that hurts when I do this?'

Stay away from Pigs.

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

'Are you a hypochondriac who has everything but your regular placebo isn't doing the job? Talk to your doctor about the new extra-strength placebo.'

I feel fine! Ready to go home!

"Well, Phil, after years of vague complaints and imaginary ailments, we finally have something to work with."

'Like I've told you before, Mrs. Spencer, it's all in your head.'

'You have what we in the medical profession call, a mystery illness, which might give you an idea of the prognosis.'

Edna's Doctor Fantasy

Bob had many issues, but he didn't need a doctor. He needed a vet.

"Don't be so dramatic, you've only got a cold!"

'You're allergic to medical allergy bracelets.'

Placebo Clinic: 'Mr Yomp, someone who may or may not be a doctor, will see you now...'