Hypochondriac's Nightmare Pillows

'Well, Doctor, what do I have and is it contagious?'

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

"Are you sure you're not holding your breath?"

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

Hypochondria Hospital

"I think I'm coming down with something."

'I know just how you feel.'

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

"Hypochondriac's handbook. A little passion project I'm working on;, or, rather, I would be working on."

'No, you haven't missed much. Pretty well everyone called in sick.'

'Life is ruining your health.'

'Good to see you, Doc! I wonder if you could take a look at my left upper arm that hurts when I do this?'

Stay away from Pigs.

'While I'm here, Doctor . . .'

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

'The good news is it's not bird flu.'

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

"I looked up your rash online. Have you recently been to one of the moons of Saturn? Or, it could just be poison ivy."

'We're out of sugar pills, so I'm giving you some M&M's.'

I feel fine! Ready to go home!

'Are you a hypochondriac who has everything but your regular placebo isn't doing the job? Talk to your doctor about the new extra-strength placebo.'

"Well, Phil, after years of vague complaints and imaginary ailments, we finally have something to work with."

'Like I've told you before, Mrs. Spencer, it's all in your head.'

'You have what we in the medical profession call, a mystery illness, which might give you an idea of the prognosis.'

Edna's Doctor Fantasy

"According to this website my symptoms show that I'm dead!"

Bob had many issues, but he didn't need a doctor. He needed a vet.