Hypochondriac Humorist Pillows

'No, you haven't missed much. Pretty well everyone called in sick.'

"It's just a sprain. But let me put a cast on it so you won't look like an idiot for screaming like a freakin' schoolgirl."

'I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I've either got...'

"Well, Phil, after years of vague complaints and imaginary ailments, we finally have something to work with."

'You're feeling great? That's unusual...we'd better run some tests...'

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

'You have what we in the medical profession call, a mystery illness, which might give you an idea of the prognosis.'

'A second opinion would be appreciated only if confirms my opinion.'

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

"I never search my health symptoms anymore. It always seems to lead to barbecue."

You've obviously diagnosed yourself so why do you need me?

"There is no cure, Mrs. Handler. That's because there's nothing wrong with you."

"Fortunately, toenail fungus is not life threatening."

"This whole thing has turned him into a hypochondriac, he's even installed a medicine cabinet in his den."

"Thanks to exhaustive testing, I've narrowed down the reason for that stabbing pain in your back."

"You want to discuss our will? Are you diagnosing yourself online again?"

Hypochondria Hospital

"Don't be so dramatic, you've only got a cold!"

'-pop in tomorrow and avoid the rash'

Placebo Clinic: 'Mr Yomp, someone who may or may not be a doctor, will see you now...'

'It's that hypochondriac parrot!'

Cold Remedies

'While I'm here, Doctor . . .'

"According to this website my symptoms show that I'm dead!"

'Your tonsils don't look good, but that's okay. Who's going to be looking at them?'

'Are you a hypochondriac who has everything but your regular placebo isn't doing the job? Talk to your doctor about the new extra-strength placebo.'

'There's a risk we might get eaten by one with BSE!'

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

'You're allergic to medical allergy bracelets.'

"My complaint is RARE? - y'mean none of my friends have it?"

"I feel fine but according to my new watch I might be dead!"

I feel fine! Ready to go home!

"No fat, no salt and no internet doctors..."

'Just a common cold! Finally, the second opinion we've been searching for!'

'I've got a blister on my little toe.' - 'Is it infected?' - 'Not really.' - 'Just put a plaster on it, then.' - 'Would I be eligible for 'shop mobility' in the mean time?' - 'Get out!'