Humorous Financiers Gifts

'Would you care to settle the matter of your loan with a penalty shoot-out?'

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

Will work for ETFs

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

'City Traders - The Complete Menagerie'

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

'This is our golden anniversary. Let's invest in gold.'

Credit Crunch Corn Flakes.

'I understand they specialize in acquisitions.'

Paper Profits Break Glass In Case of Emergency.

'If you're out of quarterly earnings, I'll take the assets and liabilities breakdown.'

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

Yes, they are all dependants."

'If you must know... I got the ten-million-dollar bonus this year because... instead of losing 15-million-dollars, we could of possibly lost much, much more!'

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

'I'd recommend against investing in hog futures - what sort of future could a hog have?'

Proud Parent Of A Medical School Student With Huge Debt.

'That's it gentlemen, we're broke. Anybody know any good jokes?'

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

General Motors.

Footing The Bill

"The interest rate can't go any lower, so if necessary, we'll have to go back to pounds of flesh."

"Any chance of a couple of crumbs?"

'Your mortgage is under water...so what's the problem?'

"Cook the books al dente so the auditor will have a little something to crunch."

'Long term I like energy and transportation stocks. Short term I like lottery tickets.'

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

'Worldcon' - financial statement fraud exposed.

'We've reached the thirty percent cut in operating expenses you wanted and we're the only two left in the building.'

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'