Humorous Financiers Pillows

'Would you care to settle the matter of your loan with a penalty shoot-out?'

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

Will work for ETFs

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

'City Traders - The Complete Menagerie'

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

'This is our golden anniversary. Let's invest in gold.'

Paper Profits Break Glass In Case of Emergency.

Credit Crunch Corn Flakes.

'I understand they specialize in acquisitions.'

'If you're out of quarterly earnings, I'll take the assets and liabilities breakdown.'

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

'If you must know... I got the ten-million-dollar bonus this year because... instead of losing 15-million-dollars, we could of possibly lost much, much more!'

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

Yes, they are all dependants."

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

Proud Parent Of A Medical School Student With Huge Debt.

'I'd recommend against investing in hog futures - what sort of future could a hog have?'

'That's it gentlemen, we're broke. Anybody know any good jokes?'

"The interest rate can't go any lower, so if necessary, we'll have to go back to pounds of flesh."

Footing The Bill

"Any chance of a couple of crumbs?"

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

'Your mortgage is under water...so what's the problem?'

"Cook the books al dente so the auditor will have a little something to crunch."

'Long term I like energy and transportation stocks. Short term I like lottery tickets.'

'Worldcon' - financial statement fraud exposed.

'We've reached the thirty percent cut in operating expenses you wanted and we're the only two left in the building.'

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

"Financial Adviser advises client 'I advise you that you're broke'."

"And so as a hedge against this trend, the directors have decided to invest heavily in red ink."