Humorists Appreciating Irony Pillows

'FYI - this pan is bulletproof.'

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

'You know bank pens never work. Why didn't you write the holdup note before we left?!'

End the Winter Blues

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

Dear Diary, 36 weeks on this island and I'm starting to feel that I'll never get rescued."

Shawn considered himself a vegetarian by proxy.

"That's Reubens, he's an alternate lifestyle coach."

"Hang on a tick, lads, what have we here?"

'This pie chart clearly demonstrates the distain with which most people regard pie charts.'

"Don't think of it as getting fired. Think of it as finally being recognized for your incompetence."

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

You're Out Of Order

Clancy: Extending Overdrafts

"From where I'm sitting, ha-ha, you're behind bars!"

"Nothing can be done about crime unless you deal with the root causes in the environment."

Watch Your Step

'Need anything today?'

"Just think of it, Charles – yesterday I was a caterpillar, and tomorrow I'll be dead."

"I think we have an ant problem"

'I'm a fortune teller Phillip. Music is going to mark a key moment in your life.'

"In school I got punished for copying, yet now it's all I'm asked to do."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but the first minute I saw you I wished you the worst."

'Good news, I've just booked our holiday, it's two weeks in a caravan in Wales.'

I'm sorry, but Mr. Peters isn't seeing anyone today. He's busy maintaining his deniability.

Marriage counsellor with 'Better' and 'Worse' desk trays.

'Would you mind blowing into this bag Sir?'

'No, but you're getting warmer.'

"No way I'm going to curtsy! This "King of the Jungle" business has really gone to your head, hasn't it?!"

'I see lot's of water...'

'She never stays mad at me for long.'

Venetian without the knowledge

"Right now someone is saying 'Look, somebody threw out a perfectly good briefcase!"

"Where can we get such a thing? We would lie on the couch all day and watch cartoons about cats."