Humorist Of Hauntings Gifts

'I am the ghost of Christmas future...with fries!'

Zombie standup

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

One vampire tricks another behind a mirror.

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"Hey, I'm just playing devil's avocado!"

Grim Reaper rowing a boat full of dead souls to the afterlife; a tip jar sits on the side of the boat.

'Missed again, eh, Bob? Maybe you should switch to decaf!'

"Yeah, I'm moonlighting. It's a living."

Dr. Frankenstein creates his newest monster, Frankenmime.

'Transylvania's most famous Optometrist 'Count Mracula'.'

"And this Halloween, try not to make a specter of yourself."

'Yes, the treestand's maximum weight capacity is 300 pounds, you weigh 301 pounds.'

"I'd like to buy a BOWEL."

Inflatable Duck Boat

"Johnson, you're new here, right? Mind if I pick your brain?"

'When we bought this place we thought we'd only be making wine. Apparently, we're also into spirits.'

Fancy a pint?

"Some Debussy, Igor."

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

The spirit in the wall would go on and ond, but Alvin never let it bother him.

Cat Frankenstein

'It's a little varietal I bottle myself...Type A positive.'

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

'It's only the library ghost - he was a great poet but a failed novelist.'

Polterguest: "When is your brother going to leave? He's driving me crazy!"

'You got twenty years for hunting without a license? Kind of stiff, isn't it?'

The Zombie Awakes...

...your sales are rather anemic

Pinata Zombies

'I was on my way to Heaven, when they stumbled across my blog...'

"We remain reasonably confident that once we nail down the little network problem we're having, all Hell will be able to break loose according to the modified schedule, which, unfortunately, is in a file we can't seem to locate right now."

"I feel proud of the success I've made, thanks for all your support."

'Oh come on, I'm sure she'll still be there after Match of the Day's finished...'

"I didn't want you doing what you did on our last date."