Humor Loving Colleague Gifts

'Keep your head down! Marketing and sales are feuding!'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'What's wrong now?'

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

'You can drop all the hints you like, Jones. We're not buying you a computer.'

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'I give this one about three months...'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is, none of us will be alive then.'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

'We will not kick the can down the road... Does anyone know how to use a can opener?'

"No, I'm not really a CEO. I just like to keep up with the Joneses."

'That's Oog -- he got a haircut and a job.'

'As a CEO, I stand up for our rights. You've got the right to work 17 hours a day and if you don't do it, I've got the right to fire you.'

The World's First Electronic Paperweight

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

'You're going to have to work your way up to the ground floor like everyone else.'

'Did you get the hard copy from Mr. Dawson?'