Humor_in_everyday Gifts

"Pie and coffee for me. And a pair of underpants for Mr. Right here."

Hang on...I've got WINGS..!!!

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"Only one of us can be 'The Funny One'."

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

How it started: How it's going

"Yes, I know that chocolate comes from the cocoa Bean...but that does NOT count as a vegetable!"

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

"Brad, if you can't say 'I love you' without using finger quotes, I'm outta here."

Oldies.

Could I trade in this greyhound for a dachshund? My doctor says I have to slow up.

'What do you mean you're a vegetarian?'

'I'm bored.'

'What I wouldn't give for some good eczema medication!'

'Mum, how come we're always the bad guys in bed-time stories?...'

'Do you have any skills other than knowing how to keep a tidy desk?'

"Now where did I park my car?"

Jesus turns water into Vitamin Water.

"The fax machine ate my homework."

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

Life bingo

A cow with a wedgie.

"Happy Hump Day!"

"Going to the vet for worming tablets is so embarrassing: I order mine online now..."

"I got a bad papercut from my health magazine!"

"When dealing with Americans, refer to the heat in Celsius. They hate that."

'I don't know why you use the lid to this thing. It's so much more fun without it!'