Everyday Humor Aficionados Gifts

Lady being asked to sign the accident book after slipping up in supermarket.

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

'Yes, I know there's a deadline on this project.'

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

'It's a difficult job, he needed a bigger than average 'stress ball'.'

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

'I don't like heights...maybe that's why I've had so many low points in my life.'

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

"They're comfortable."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

'I'm keeping a scrap book. All I've got so far is one umbilical cord.'

Retirement homes' 'pill fight'.

Tunnel of Love/Lover's Leap.

'A religious zealot denounces a toaster for working on the Sabbath'

Mister Bundles VS. The Martians - Part Twenty Six

Unemotional Support Animal

Dickens & Tolstoy Walk into a Bar: " . . . so, to make a short story long . . . "

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"Yeah, I don't like this part either."

Ahh! The sounds of nature! Peep peep. Tweet tweet! Twitter. Croak croak. Sniff sniff. Ribbit. Human nature. Twitter twitter. Tippity tap tap. Cackle cackle! Bleep bleep.

Thrift: have your arms and legs amputated, use a pillow for a bed!

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

Stairlift around cliff face.

"Congratulations. It's a chick."

"She wishes to range free!"

'I love it when you spoon me.' 'I love it when you fork me.'

'Don't be alarmed if you hear the toilet flush a lot. Since you don't feel well, I thought I'd wash the dishes for you.'

'In my time, we didn't talk to a blackberry. We just ate the damn things!'

How Amazon was invented

'I'm sure that the autopsy will confirm it was a suicide.'

A Mix Up Between the Buggy and Lawn Mower.

'I'm into New Age. My new age is 26.'