Humor Hound Pillows

'Eject! Eject, eject eject!! Aw crimony. I've hit the button 6 or 7 times, Cap'n. And the darned CD still won't come out.'

'Bob likes to express himself through his art!'

Lawyer to client: 'Yes, your turnover at the pastry shop would fall under tort law.'

'No need to shout.'

'Good dog!'

'It's a nasty bug that's going around!'

'I knew him before he became a police dog!'

'Ere-we distinctly asked for SAM an' Ella!'

"...Of all the horrid creatures that I have been forced to encounter since I've been here. You are without a doubt the most vile of them all!"

"My god, is that an actual bone he's burying? I hope it's only a misguided attempt at irony."

'Velociraptor, my foot -- a lizard bit him!'

Stand Up Chameleon

'Why good dogs go bad.'

Woman is shocked at seeing her weight, she doesn't realise that her dog is also on the scales.

"I think the dog swallowed the remote!"

Shops:Under cut, Upper cut, Half cut

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

"Is that one of those brandy dogs?"

One god...one church...one collection.

'I taught him to shake hands, but I don't know where he got the joybuzzer!'

'You made $50,000 less than in the previous year? Gee, I really feel sorry for you guys in the private sector.'

"What are you trying to say, Rex?"

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"You guys are busy. I had to park across the street."

Comedy Vicar Competition

"It was so confusing, the smell was right, but I could not recognize my master, then it hit me: he had shaved his beard!"

"I bet that under your preachy, holier-than-thou attitude is another preachy, holier-than-thou attitude."

"Hmm, let's see. We just want something light. Not too filling."

"Looks like they're going to have a dog fight."

"I'm the owner of Happy Pappy's comedy club. Here's my card. Call me."

"Consider yourself chased."

"And yet, I too am a still life."

Canine Scent-ipede

"Mind if I roll in it first?"

"I got a dish, but it only picks up the Food Channel."