Humor Fan Pillows

"Can you keep a secret?"

'For the last time, our son is not backwards. He's just dyslexic.'

'Yeah, I knew you got wings when you went to heaven, but this isn't what I had in mind!'

Changing your diet could save your life.

'Sounds like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.' 'Ahhhhhh!'

'Oh yes we're very proud of him. He's in publishing you know!'

"Can you keep a secret?"

Lemonade, 50? ? After 25? mail-in rebate.

"OOOMMM" "MMMOOO"

Please give.

"Now we wait."

"Nope, I'm squeezing as hard as I can, that is one stuck pig."

What the sign said: 60 max. What you saw: Go man!

"I just love how they come individually wrapped to seal in the flavor!"

"So! When's the big day?"

The glass is half full. - '' - 'The glass is half empty' - '' - 'Gah!! No clean glasses!!' - '' -

Construction safety.

'Three little kids and their first words. Can you find out which one is the British kid?'

"Buster, run this past legal."

"Twenty Bucks, or, you could let a smile be your umbrella."

'You know you're getting older when the old 'fire in your belly' is actually acid reflux.

'You Are Here' sign in desert.

'Which is it, Bill? You had a terrible accident and survived without a scratch. Or, you had a terrible accident and lost a lot of blood?'

'You wouldn't get these stomach aches if you chewed your food properly.'

Beer Parasol.

"Let's stop and ask directions at Alpha Centauri, I said, but oh no, Mister clever stalks knows the way alright!"

'Sorry, two nine year olds are not the same as an eighteen year old.'

"Watch your step - we're dealing with a professional here!"

'We're big fans of your work.'

My Ass is on Fire!

'Not only didn't he turn into a prince, but he gave me these awful warts!'

'Can't we run a little and just pretend I'm chasing you?'

'I always come to work when I'm sick... I can't see wasting my sick leave being sick.'

Dog ball-boy.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...