Humor Expert Gifts

If you've been trying to get my goat, Gloria, you've succeeded. Congratulations. You are now the proud owner of one used goat.

"The tests confirm it...you don't have a serious bone in your body!"

"Yams, pie, stuffing, pumpkin, bean casserole, biscuits, corn, cranberry sauce, carrots, mashed potatoes...where's the turkey?"

Basic Skills Agency - Moved Next Door.

"We're having real difficulty getting staff for children's services."

Dannemora School for Exceptional & Gifted Felons.

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'I thought the memo was quite clear. What part didn't you understand?'

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

Champagne at the hunt

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

Paunch and Judy.

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'