Comedy Expert Gifts

"Would you say your cough is dry or hair ball producing?"

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

“Pottery Classes – Give it a Whirl!”

Champagne at the hunt

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

" ... and markets closed lower today on news that markets would close lower today."

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

"The last doggy bag."

Trustworthy Authority.

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

Ferguson, Bramley, Osgood & Holt - Big Frogs in a Small Pond.

Comedy Rule

"The tests confirm it...you don't have a serious bone in your body!"

'Is he expecting you?'

'Everytime I kiss him he says he can't breathe.'

Now you can buy shares online. "Buy Cher's What?"

'Really, this award has come as a great surprise...'

Recycling centre with a bin for Jim Davidson videos.

"Yams, pie, stuffing, pumpkin, bean casserole, biscuits, corn, cranberry sauce, carrots, mashed potatoes...where's the turkey?"

"We'll have to stop meeting like this. Don't look now but I think the wifes hired a couple of private detectives."

Father and son watching a TV sitcom

"The viewers seem to be sated with stupid shows, senseless movies and embarrassing celebs. That's why our black screen has got the best viewing figures!"

"There's a man at the door with a wooden leg."

"Nice of you to bring wine, but we don't drink anything that sells for under a dollar a gallon."

Partygate Met Police Enquiry - If it walks like a duck.

"We heard you were dying in here."

'Enough, Hank. I'm tired of pulling your finger.'

Peace inactivist

"I was a late bloomer—I didn't inherit my money until my fifties."

Early phone sex lines - 'I'm lifting my petticoat...and there's my ankle!'

Dannemora School for Exceptional & Gifted Felons.

"We're having real difficulty getting staff for children's services."