Comedy Expert Gifts

"Would you say your cough is dry or hair ball producing?"

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

“Pottery Classes – Give it a Whirl!”

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

Champagne at the hunt

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

"The last doggy bag."

Trustworthy Authority.

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

Ferguson, Bramley, Osgood & Holt - Big Frogs in a Small Pond.

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

Comedy Rule

"The tests confirm it...you don't have a serious bone in your body!"

'Everytime I kiss him he says he can't breathe.'

'Is he expecting you?'

Now you can buy shares online. "Buy Cher's What?"

Recycling centre with a bin for Jim Davidson videos.

"Yams, pie, stuffing, pumpkin, bean casserole, biscuits, corn, cranberry sauce, carrots, mashed potatoes...where's the turkey?"

"There's a man at the door with a wooden leg."

"The viewers seem to be sated with stupid shows, senseless movies and embarrassing celebs. That's why our black screen has got the best viewing figures!"

"We'll have to stop meeting like this. Don't look now but I think the wifes hired a couple of private detectives."

Father and son watching a TV sitcom

"We heard you were dying in here."

Partygate Met Police Enquiry - If it walks like a duck.

'Enough, Hank. I'm tired of pulling your finger.'

"Nice of you to bring wine, but we don't drink anything that sells for under a dollar a gallon."

"I was a late bloomer—I didn't inherit my money until my fifties."

Early phone sex lines - 'I'm lifting my petticoat...and there's my ankle!'

Peace inactivist

"We're having real difficulty getting staff for children's services."

"When you people start working eggs into the conversation, it's really code for something else,right?"

'You, you, you. Why is it always about you?'