Verbal Humor Expert Gifts

'To summarize: the visual joke brings on a very fast reaction, but the verbal joke is remembered longer.'

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Torturing the English Language

"You're going to hate yourself."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

Champagne at the hunt

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

"I'll have a man overboard!"

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

'We seem to have more luck getting people to accept cookies rather than broccoli when they visit websites.'

An English and French student converse.

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

He dies at the end. There, I've spoiled every story ever written. Whether it's a person, a quest, ennui, a dream, a struggle, hope, despair, innocence, cynicism, a romance, a friendship, or an estrangement

"It's the drink talking"

"Sopranos", "Tenors", "Basses"

"Hey how do you spell Abominable?"

'I could murder a pint!'

Canal No. 5: Vagrance

'Turner don't use that expression 'Pie int he sky' its sounds ridiculous and don't point!'

"The tests confirm it...you don't have a serious bone in your body!"

A day in the life of a serial mis-pronouncer.

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."