Human-years Humorist Pillows

"my people are like 70 in human years."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

"Gee, thanks pal."

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'Well, Tommy, you've grown a foot since the last time I saw you!'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Glance Exchange

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

man fishing at a dock sees a billboard: Do You Know It's Anniversary

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"It's just a tree."

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'