Human-years Humorist Gifts

"my people are like 70 in human years."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

"Gee, thanks pal."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Well, Tommy, you've grown a foot since the last time I saw you!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

Glance Exchange

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

man fishing at a dock sees a billboard: Do You Know It's Anniversary

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"It's just a tree."

"How about a hand."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."