Hse Specialist Gifts

'You're right. Our old safety files have become a safety concern.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"'Quid pro quo' is a no-no, Bradbury. Around here we say 'reciprocal altruism'."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

How leaders fail

Outer Space Outsourcing

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"And you're certain these are accidents?"

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'What's wrong now?'

The Evolution of the Bonus

"I just want you to know that promotion, this office, and those Luna bars were mine!"

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

"Why do you need so many computers?" "One for billing, one for stock control, one for human resources, one for financial management..."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

Late/Too Late.

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

'It's 930am ma'am - time to meet the Board of Detractors.'

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

'How many times have I told you not to hit the ball with your head?'

'Here's another one that'll make you blow your stack.'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

"I appreciate your devices that make it seem like you're paying attention, but could you actually pay attention and make eye contact so I know you are?"

"Jimmy, I want you to meet our new safety officer."

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

'Another one? Do you realize it will make the third time this month we've held a fire drill?'