Househusband Humor Gifts

"He's become very domesticated since I cut off his testicles."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"You look great. One problem though: I'm the one who goes to work."

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'Honey, I'm home - for good.'

'It's your husband. The baby won't burp for him.'

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

"Gigot de sept heures."

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'Who put Grandad's teeth in the aquarium?'

'The owner plays in the NBA.'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

'How should I know how things are at home, I moved into the pub a month ago.'

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

'It's your husband. The baby won't burp for him.'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"Well, as a matter of fact, no, you didn't tell us you kept exotic pets when you sold us the house!"

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"

"It's not much, but we've made it our own living hell."

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

'I need three estimates before I appoint an estate agent.' - 'Right, £120,000, £130,000 and £140,000.'

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Dog tallying his score against the mailman.

How men shop for towels.

This Semester's Report Card