Household Pillows

"I deleted my maps app. My wife used it to trick me into finding the laundry room."

Risks for the heart patient Unloading the Dishwasher "Sorry? No can do." Answering the Land Line R-R-RING! R-R-R-RING! N-nope R-R-RING!!! Doing Taxes "Doc said I should take it easy." Any Car-Related Errand "The old ticker."

A man opens his curtains to wake up his cats.

"Here's your sweater back."

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

'That must be some mouse! Hang on while I get my shotgun.'

ACME Exterminators (cat being dragged into a mouse hole

'We named him 'Raisin Bran.' Every morning in the litter box, it's two scoops!'

Morning Routine

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

"The dryer giveth and the dryer taketh away."

"Why don't you come get me? Oh that's right, you aren't allowed on the couch!"

"Microwave to replace gas or oil central heating?" "Yes. Think how cheap it is to microwave a cup of tea!"

"Do you recall the exact moment the balance of power shifted?"

Neighbor Leaf Wars

Kitchen Tetris

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'Our Filipino dog's a real treasure.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

Woman simutaneously playing the cello and washing man in bath's back

Woman has 3 towels in her restroom: 'Mine', 'Mine' and 'Mine'.

"Twenty five years... I think it's time we renew our towels."

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"You get back here this minute, young man! You're not going anywhere until you clean your room!"

Pest Control

'There's an app you can program to delete your trash? I've had one for years called Dave.'

"Not tonight, Jon. I have to clean for the cleaning lady."

'It may not be your feng shui, but it's my feng shui.'

Separation Anxiety

The revenge of Russell

"Hello?"

"Fine, you win. I'll call a handyman."

"How many times have I told you kids to turn off the light when you leave a room?!"

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

"I am not ‘politicizing the issue’ — I simply asked you to pick up your room!"