Household Instrumentalist Pillows

'Oh, sow some interest! How many 8-year-olds can play the '1812' on a vacuum hose?'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

Couple who have confused their baby's pram and the lawn mower.

The Hammer

Acclaimed mother.

"Charming, absolutely charming."

"Fair's fair. I cooked the dinner, so you can clean the cauldron!"

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

Separation Anxiety

The band.

"This should be cozy. Just let me know if you need an extra sousaphone."

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

'Woke up this morning found someone had stolen my guitar...'

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...

"I'm going to be vacuuming, if you want to go into the farthest room and start asking me questions."

'Cool!! Your Dad lets you take accordian lessons??!!'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'Other than no dognip or an indoor bathroom, I enjoy being a dog.'

"I don’t see how confirming who I like best will help this situation."

'Well, you always said you wanted a water feature for the garden.'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

"I didn't feel any 'earthquake'."

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

Another thing is that it's really cool in the summer!

"It's your turn to throw out the dishes."

Magic Carpet Cleaning

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

Melba Liston

Jaco Pastorius.