Household Harmony Pillows

Pet owner to pets in chair: 'We need to come up with some kind of time-sharing system.'

Separation Anxiety

"I'm going to be vacuuming, if you want to go into the farthest room and start asking me questions."

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

"Relax, grandpa. The quarterback is taking a knee to run out the clock."

'Other than no dognip or an indoor bathroom, I enjoy being a dog.'

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

"I love spending time together as a family. It brings us together. It makes us stronger. It helps us understand each other."

Looks like I do dishes again.

"Everybody in the whole damn household is alpha."

"It's your turn to throw out the dishes."

The Cricket on the Hearth - Title-page to the first edition

Magic Carpet Cleaning

"Painted like this, finding furniture to match at least one colour should be simple!"

'You're always taking the fun out of everything!'

Blanket Pull

'No madam, the seat does not keep falling down, to the annoyance of male users, would you like one that does?'

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.'

"Harold, have you reaped huge gains that you have not told me about?"

Theirs and Theirs

Plumbing Co - we repair what your husband fixed.

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

'That's it? The facts of life? Mom washes the dishes and you dry them?'

'You told me to put away the groceries.'

'If your mom's not happy then nobody's happy, right dad.'

'Relax, Silly. He's not here for you.'

Musical washing

Woman is on computer searching a website for lost socks.

'How about we get this closet organizer as a together gift?'

'Herbert just loves to help with the dishes.'

"What are you complaining about? When I met you, you were living in a one-room apartment."

"We're gonna entertain you for exactly the next 30 minutes."

"It's not so much spring cleaning as it is 'My mom is visiting for Mother's Day' cleaning."