Household Harmony Pillows

Pet owner to pets in chair: 'We need to come up with some kind of time-sharing system.'

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

Separation Anxiety

"I'm going to be vacuuming, if you want to go into the farthest room and start asking me questions."

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

"Relax, grandpa. The quarterback is taking a knee to run out the clock."

'Other than no dognip or an indoor bathroom, I enjoy being a dog.'

Ever wonder why we debated what color fridge to buy?

"I love spending time together as a family. It brings us together. It makes us stronger. It helps us understand each other."

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

The Cricket on the Hearth - Title-page to the first edition

"Everybody in the whole damn household is alpha."

Magic Carpet Cleaning

"Painted like this, finding furniture to match at least one colour should be simple!"

Looks like I do dishes again.

'You're always taking the fun out of everything!'

"It's your turn to throw out the dishes."

Blanket Pull

'No madam, the seat does not keep falling down, to the annoyance of male users, would you like one that does?'

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.'

"Harold, have you reaped huge gains that you have not told me about?"

Theirs and Theirs

Plumbing Co - we repair what your husband fixed.

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

'That's it? The facts of life? Mom washes the dishes and you dry them?'

Woman is on computer searching a website for lost socks.

Musical washing

'You told me to put away the groceries.'

'If your mom's not happy then nobody's happy, right dad.'

'Relax, Silly. He's not here for you.'

'How about we get this closet organizer as a together gift?'

'Herbert just loves to help with the dishes.'

"We're gonna entertain you for exactly the next 30 minutes."

"A Therapist didn't save my marriage. A plumber and a second bathroom saved my marriage!"