Household Hack Fan Pillows

"Mom, call the appliance store. The self-cleaning stove isn't cleaning itself!"

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

Instant Laundry Detergent, 'Just add water'.

Giving Things Up For Lent.

Viking sitting patiently while his wife winds her wool on his helmets horns to sort it out.

Wallpapering with Nails

'I accidentally hacked into Mom's microwave oven.'

"Never marry an engineer."

"I know this is going to sound completely crazy and off the wall - but do you, by any chance, know how to iron?"

Seeing the marriage counselor.

Changing the Lightbulb.

"He downloaded one of those apps that helps you quit smoking."

"Well, last year I kicked gambling. . . the odds are 3 to 1 the New Year will be a good one."

'Clothes-dryer Messiah.'

"Did we turn off the stove?"

Shut Yer Yapper and be Happy, Loser! There's a ton of so-called simple self-help books. The five most important questions: 7 habits of highly effective people: 7 steps to living at your fullest potential. Too many steps! She's going to be filthy rich.

Smoking Cessation Clinic - Formerly The Pub.

'What was all that yelling outside?'

Addiction Research Centre.

“At what point does it stop being just moths, and start being Pestilence?”

"He's starting to make coffee in the mailbox, isn't he?"

The Ten Resolutions

Cat scratching chair. Chair falls on cat.

Hacks of the Very Near Future

Remote Toaster

Our genius techie kid is hacking your bank account while your read this.

'Scanning articles without finishing them on the Internet is affecting you. You're not finishing anything.'

"New super select-a-size! 1/2 sheet, 1/4 sheet, 1/8 sheet (make-up remover), 1/16 sheet (spider killer), 1/32 sheet (booger getter), 1/64 sheets (zit squeezers)."

'Your father'll do anything to avoid filling a few watering cans.'

Gps to advise on 'lifestyle' issues

Human Cull: People who constantly sniff, instead of blowing their nose.

'The meaning of life? Sorry, kid, you're on the wrong mountain - I'm the guru of handy household tips!'

'Next comes the cool part. Grab the clothes pegs. We're going online.'

'Well that's what you get for picking your scab. . .'