Household Dynamics Gifts

"Do you recall the exact moment the balance of power shifted?"

The revenge of Russell

100 Days Without Allowance Raise

'I'm the man of the house and what I say, goes! And if you want to get tough about it, I'll call my wife!'

"Why don't you come get me? Oh that's right, you aren't allowed on the couch!"

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

Relationship Warning Lights

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

"My mom says I can start a rock band if I call it 'I Love My Mommy'. You in?"

'Everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.'

Children's Party

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"You never told me your dad was so delightfully old-fashioned."

'It's time to move out when Mom says...'

"I'll go to my room and do my homework, but I want time and a half."

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

What are we doing today? Installing raised beds. Then we'll plant them for a couple who want organic vegetables. Brilliant, Dad. Tree's Tree Nursery. You take the hard work out of gardening. Right. And give it to me! Right again!

"This is not what I meant when I said you needed to practice your play fighting..."

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"

'We're playing trampoline, mom.'

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

Ask Sadie Advice Hour. What's your problem?! I don't want to vaccinate my kids. But my husband does. What do I do? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Mother Cohen and Father Cohen were arguing about vaccinating us kids. Father Cohen accused her of being a pawn of the Illuminati's attempt to use diphtheria to mutate us into ape-people. Mother Cohen accused him of being anti-Darwinian. That's when Father Cohen brought up her illicit fling with Chuck Darwin, and all heck broke loose. Um

"Get up at 7; leave for school by 8; no video games until after homework is done -- how about some regulatory relief?"

"If we play house, Timmy, we can't live with my parents because..."

"We located the hissing noise, Mr. Watkins. Your wife's mother is in the back seat."

'A boy at school was named after his father. They've called him Dad.'

"Why do small children ask so many questions?" "Why not? We need to learn, don’t we? Anyway it’s no big deal is it? Isn’t that what parents are for? You were probably the same, weren’t you? So why complain?"

Yes, they are all dependants."

'You're texting? Wait--'

'It says here: while most dogs are family dogs, some dogs like one family member more. Do you think Fritzi is like that?'