Modern Family Dynamics Gifts

'I don't know...go ask your computer.'

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

'Sorry nobody came to the phone just now but we thought the ringing was coming from the TV.'

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

"Why don't you come get me? Oh that's right, you aren't allowed on the couch!"

Relationship Warning Lights

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

"My mom says I can start a rock band if I call it 'I Love My Mommy'. You in?"

"Do you recall the exact moment the balance of power shifted?"

'Everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.'

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"You never told me your dad was so delightfully old-fashioned."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

Children's Party

'It's time to move out when Mom says...'

"I'll go to my room and do my homework, but I want time and a half."

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

"Get up at 7; leave for school by 8; no video games until after homework is done -- how about some regulatory relief?"

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"This is not what I meant when I said you needed to practice your play fighting..."

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

"If we play house, Timmy, we can't live with my parents because..."

Ask Sadie Advice Hour. What's your problem?! I don't want to vaccinate my kids. But my husband does. What do I do? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Mother Cohen and Father Cohen were arguing about vaccinating us kids. Father Cohen accused her of being a pawn of the Illuminati's attempt to use diphtheria to mutate us into ape-people. Mother Cohen accused him of being anti-Darwinian. That's when Father Cohen brought up her illicit fling with Chuck Darwin, and all heck broke loose. Um

"We located the hissing noise, Mr. Watkins. Your wife's mother is in the back seat."

'It says here: while most dogs are family dogs, some dogs like one family member more. Do you think Fritzi is like that?'