Family Dynamics Gifts

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

Girl to mother: 'Don't call me a teenager. From now on, I want to be referred to as a pre-adult.'

Next, I remember looking down at my body, and my kids fighting over the will.

'You know at some point we have to stop swaddling him, right?'

'One day, this will all be your fault.'

'I have major trust issues - my father didn't leave me one...'

"This is what happens when a family business doesn't have a succession plan!"

'Do you feel dominated by your mother?'

"I thought we agreed not to fight in front of the children."

'It's not gifts I want, but someone who listens.'

'Clean up your room and stop telling your brother he's an app you downloaded to do the job.'

"YOu want to speak to the head of the household? My parents are into shared decision making."

'My parents are divorced...and I'm doing very nicely, thank you.'

'I'd always hoped that I'd leave this mortal coil surrounded by my beautiful, loving family,,, so can some of you ugly ones move to the back'

'Your mum and I are thinking about giving your power of attorney...' - 'Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm rich! Rich!' - '...and now, strangely, I'm having second thoughts.'

"I love you too, Daddy, but it just kills me that you're a man."

Social media family vs regular family

"And to my brother, who I promised to mention in my will, 'Hi Grumpy'!"

"You just wait until your other mother gets home, young man!"

'It's time to move out when Mom says...'

Another restraining order. This was the last time he'd try to plan a family reunion.

Bad Heir Day

'I always felt different as a child - I come from a functional family.'

'Mom, you were young once ... right?'

'Happy Father's Day....send all.'

"My family likes to set up our grudges at Thanksgiving, stew over them through December, then take our revenge at Christmas."

"You're not going out dressed like that, are you?"

Introducing Ed, The Nephew of God.

"And remember, son, perception isn't reality - money is."

'It's your husband. The baby won't burp for him.'

'Would you like to try our new Family-Style meal deal? While you eat I yell at you to be more like your brother then criticize what you're wearing before saying how much you've disappointed me and your father.'

'I have reason to believe that my sister is getting a bigger allowance than me. I think you and mom should be more forthcoming and transparent.'

'You can't blame everything on my generation - You should blame it on your GRANDFATHER'S generation.'

"My father-who the hell do you think named me Edward the Lesser?"

'We punish them equally, Marge, but we favor the boy.'