House Tour Aficionado Gifts

"Before you sit down, let me give you the grand tour."

The Vineyard

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

Monks in monastry dancing, "They're high on apostasy again."

Welcome Ghost.

"Yes, but this one is made of Chiclets."

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

"Today on Escape to the Country Emily & Oliver are looking for that special little property in the Cotswolds. So what exactly's going to tick all their boxes?"

'Well, they're just like your mom's cookies if your mom is a 35 ton, multi-unit dough extruder.'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

"The sellers recommended that I burn some sage during the tour."

'Some of you may have heard that Dr. Weil is giving HIS talk right now in the next auditorium.'

"It's like a tiny house, but bigger."

'It's your father. He says he's joining Bob Dylan's never ending tour.'

"Neat Nick!": Tidiest cowboy in the west

"It's a nice unit, but there may be a faint odor from the last tenant..." "Yeah, enough to make you faint."

'Now you behave yourself and don't throw and infestation while we're gone.'

"It's really too much house for us, but Fran and I plan to live in the walk-in closet and rent the rest."

"And this is our extended family room."

Archaeologists discover 'Stonehinge'.

"It's perfect."

You said the house had cathedral ceilings but nothing about a cathedral basement.

'For sale'

Underground House Night - Mind The Gap

Marcus Smith

Hop on Hip-Hop Off Bus

"I call it 'Organised Cabinet Number One'."

Turn this music off! Please. Thumpa thump … Thank goodness. This is insane. How can they combine a talk show with house music? Allow us to explain: To attract younger audiences, we, the media conglomerates, must communicate on their terms, on their wavelength. More media, multimedia, simultaneous media, streaming screaming gleaming screeching grinding mind-bending media! I'm going to kill something! You're playing into their hands. Thumpa thumpa thumpa.

Demanding house.

'They think it's Andover - it is Slough!'

"Would you like me to show you around my apartment and tell you how much I paid for everything?"

"Does the water always come through the ceiling like that?"

'No, this is not the dream Cape Cod, 3BR, 2 1/2 BTH, 21 FT LR. This is the charming Dutch colonial, 2BTH, 4BR, L6 Deck, 6AR.'

'I can't believe it — you rented a foreign film?'