Hostile Takeover Humorist Gifts

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"It's Swamp & Swallow - they're making an offer we can't refuse!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'Uh - oh... this looks like an unfriendly takeover!'

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Man...You age great!'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

German School

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

Man with dollar sign on his t-shirt.