Host With The Most Pillows

"That was my kind of party...good food, good people, good-bye."

"You invited the Wilsons over? This forest is a mess!!"

"I find it a very good conversation starter."

'Can I get you anything? Coffee? A biscuit?...A lift home?'

"Do you guys know how lucky you are to have a big house that's not too big?"

'Rick and I have decided to be more sensitive.'

'Surprise!'

'Relax, Charlotte... The boss isn't really coming... I just told you that because I'm in the mood for a decent meal.'

"The Quinceys are coming over. Better tighten up the toilet seat again."

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

"I think Bob is ready for a refill George."

"Try to make your guests feel at home - especially when you wish they were!"

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

Showbiz Awards

"Davina McCall: Life at the Extreme takes a celebrity to the most extreme places on Earth!"

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

"Sorry, that's not my table."

Fishermen

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Pinata Trophies

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

"I’ll have something for you as soon as Table Seven sees the entrée prices."

'We'll have to end it there, I'm sorry - we're running out of time.'

LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID MAMET