Hospital Wanderer Pillows

'Well, the knee replacement surgery went fantastic...but, we had no idea what you wanted to replace it with. So...we put in a lung.'

'Which arrow points to my office?'

Barbeque Casualty.

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

"I expect a speedy recovery,"

Hospital Departments

Hospital.

'If it don't hurt, don't mess with it!'

"She's in room 334 but she's only allowed to see people who haven't annoyed her for 15 years."

'Admit it,you've been bothering the nurses again,haven't you?

"Cardiac day patients?"

'The doctors ruled out a remarkable recovery. You'll get better, they just don't think it'll be all that remarkable.'

'We've been told to get families more involved in patient care, he'll need a bath and lunch in about 30 minutes.'

'I'm sorry, but I can't tell you which room the star basketball player is recovering in.'

'For god's sake Walters, wait until the patient is fully anesthetized before going through his wallet.'

Hospital Visit

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

Elderly lady about elderly man: 'We met in ICU. We had a rheumatic encounter.'

'I have to disappoint you Mrs Robinson, today is not Halloween.'

"Next time you want me to swallow a camera, just wrap it in bacon!"

'There's been a little mixup, Mr. Root. The computer has the virus not you.'

"I'm sending you to someone who's less squeamish."

'The psychiatrist gives you 6 months to live - vicariously through other people.'

"We must be in the wrong wing."

'Ok, Ms. Feldman, it says on your chart that you were discharged yesterday.'

'Let's order one more MRI, just to play it safe.'

Medical floor directory follows body parts.

'Actually, it's a quite routine operation -- would you like to make it more interesting?'

'It's going to take me ten hours to read your care instructions and your insurance only covers an hour of care.'

'I'm afraid neither your insurance nor your immune system will cover it.'

"Actually, what doesn't kill you just raises the cost of everyone's insurance"

Patient walking out of hospital.

"So far, decliners outnumber advancers nine to seven."

"One minute I was CEO the next I'm the gallbladder in room 405."