Hospital Humor Connoisseur Gifts

'The NHS wants patients to make more decisions about their treatment...so here's your blood tests and a prescription pad, I'll be back later.'

"Let's just start cutting and see what happens."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

Dracula in a Vampire Hospital getting some extra blood from a Human blood drip

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

"WHich one is mine?"

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

"Sorry, that's not my table."

Downloading Pregnancy

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'Wow! That was quite some push Mrs Smith...'

An organ flies across the room during an operation - 'Catch it...!'

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

"When was the last time anyone checked on Mr Klink."

"You'll feel a pinch now and another one when the bill comes."

Saline Drip Sommelier.

I just hope my doctor is not on twitter too!

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."