Hospital Goer Gifts

"Is she critical?"

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

Dancing Doctor

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

Barbeque Casualty.

"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'This is a fine time to leave! What if the doctor delivers the baby while you're out!'

Kid with plaster cast being sawn off.

'What's holding him up?'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Hey, I got you a beautiful orchid to cheer you up until it turns into just a stick protruding from dirt."

'Time for your pills.'

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

Being Serenading in Casualty

"We'll get there when we get there!"

"You're sick of this? Just try to imagine how we feel."

Doctor receiving advice from patient's mother

"...we have a heart-lung-kidney-liver-spleen machine."

'The doctor will be with you shortly, he's finishing medical school.'

"Your driver will arrive in 4...9...17 minutes after three accidental loops around the airport."

'Your doing GREAT! Tomorrow you should be able to eat hospital food!'

Hospital Departments

"I expect a speedy recovery,"

"It appears your anus transplant has rejected you..."

"I'm sure he'll pull through. He's always been a real fighter."

Medical Examinations.

"Which one goes down his bronchial tract and which one goes up his arse?"

Hospital.

'...but besides this, how are you doing?'

"Dr. Eliot, would you let the dog out?"