Hospital Traveler Gifts

Medical floor directory follows body parts.

Barbeque Casualty.

'This is a fine time to leave! What if the doctor delivers the baby while you're out!'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

"We'll get there when we get there!"

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

"Your driver will arrive in 4...9...17 minutes after three accidental loops around the airport."

Hospital Departments

"I expect a speedy recovery,"

Hospital.

''Exercise'? -- But I hate to eat and run!'

"She's in room 334 but she's only allowed to see people who haven't annoyed her for 15 years."

We charge $500 for every nook and $1,200 for every cranny during diagnosis.

'Admit it,you've been bothering the nurses again,haven't you?

"Cardiac day patients?"

'The doctors ruled out a remarkable recovery. You'll get better, they just don't think it'll be all that remarkable.'

'We've been told to get families more involved in patient care, he'll need a bath and lunch in about 30 minutes.'

'Which arrow points to my office?'

'I'm sorry, but I can't tell you which room the star basketball player is recovering in.'

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

Hospital Visit

Elderly lady about elderly man: 'We met in ICU. We had a rheumatic encounter.'

'I have to disappoint you Mrs Robinson, today is not Halloween.'

'There's been a little mixup, Mr. Root. The computer has the virus not you.'

"Armstrong, you're the cheapest cheapskate on earth." "Not yet, but a man can dream." "This toothache is killing me but I have no money and no insurance. Do you know where I can find a really cheap dentist?" "Of course. I can give you my guy's name. He works for peanuts." "I’ll get a pen." "You’ll also need a passport and lots of penicillin."

"We must be in the wrong wing."

'The psychiatrist gives you 6 months to live - vicariously through other people.'

Thanks TSA

'Let's order one more MRI, just to play it safe.'

'Actually, it's a quite routine operation -- would you like to make it more interesting?'

'It's going to take me ten hours to read your care instructions and your insurance only covers an hour of care.'

'I'm afraid neither your insurance nor your immune system will cover it.'

'My client is therefore NOT guilty of malpractice. All he is guilty of is an error in judgment. He should have decided to be a plumber."

"Actually, what doesn't kill you just raises the cost of everyone's insurance"

'The good news is the diseases you've mangaed to avoid far outnumber the diseases you've got.'