Hospital Couch Gifts

"A guy in 'recovery' wants to buy your slippers."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'We tend to favour more traditional anaesthetic techniques here.'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

'Very funny!'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"Stop blaming yourself. You loved, and dedicated so much of your time. Have you considered getting another cactus?"

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

"I expect a speedy recovery,"

"Why, Mr. Larsen! We were about ready to give up on you."

"Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Starmer. It's a tool!"

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

Tin Can Operation.

"Look, look … someone wrote unoperable."

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

'Get me a hundred milligrams of Oxycontin... And pick up something for this guy while you're at it.'

"Any improvement since I brought the balloon?"

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

Surgery Instructions.

'And Remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

Mort, the doctor says you can't get too riled up. It's bad for your heart. Yes, dear. You're not a young man anymore. You're not in tip-top shape. You don't eat well. You're not so muscular. I'm not a fan of your haircut. Nurse!

'It's a screaming ladies part.'

Celebration in operating theatre.

"No wonder I'm getting feedback!"

"That's a semi-private room for you. You caught his, and he caught yours."

Admissions lady: 'I don't take care of myself like I should ... my negligence probably killed a guy once ... I'm secretly attracted to you ...'

"I hope your cast is not itchy, Stacy. I had an itchy cast on my arm once and it itched ALL the time. It felt like crawling ants! Itchy, itchy, itchy..."

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

'You can always tell the pediatricians.'